04.23.06
Land of the Discontented
Allow me to write, to find something really inspiring and to commit it to a post. If I can just get some inspiration, I promise I’ll take the time to post the results here. I promise myself.
These last few weeks have been good, but of a goodness not so easily translated into fodder for a blog, and I realize clearly that this may be a good thing — yet how does it help me in my endeavor to write a decent post? These last few weeks have also cemented for me a trending from self-expression and toward some kind of personal silence. No dreams have I lately had; my life is all lived, at least in terms of conscious recollection, in the hours between waking up and falling asleep. Most of that time awake is boring.
Is it that there really is nothing to disturb me in my sleep? I’ve issues to disturb me, but for some reason they fail to penetrate beyond the waking hours of my day, or else I have become adept at “forgetting” them at the moment the jarring bell of the alarm clock abruptly calls me from their grip. I honestly do not know.
But I hate the banal normalcy I feel condemned to, even as I am more grateful than ever I could say for the love in my life. Something needs to happen, but I can’t imagine what it would be. Walking around Target, listening to metal, wearing nice clothes but feeling grubby, buying shaving gel, sugar, nuts, coffee, driving to Taco Bell for lunch…. Is that supposed to be my Sunday? No. There’s also playing The Kingdom of Loathing, which is certainly fun (I’m at Level 4 — Jiggy Grifter). There’s also reading The New Yorker. But tomorrow, I return to work.
It might help me if I were to stop seeking deeper acquaintance with any of my coworkers. The time I spend talking with any of them is, more often than not, wasted (regardless of whatever they get out of it). They are not interested in what I am interested in. Their interests are either kept from view or are not interesting to me. I’m wasting their time or they’re wasting mine. My frustration with the situation is weakening me. Discontentment can breed, can become a malaise, can consume mental and physical energy. Discontentment may turn into a wasting disease. How do I boost my immune system?
What’s happening to me?
